i haven't wrote a blog in a long time. i guess i've been busy. my parents went to california for the week so i was pretty busy here at my house with my best friend. we had a lot of fun. it seems like the week went by really fast though, unfortunately. but i guess the faster the better because i graduate on may 14th and i seriously cannot wait! speaking of which, i need to get a graduation dress soon! i'm so excited. i am ready to leave this place and never come back. im really going to make something of myself.

this weekend i went to my aunt's. we watched tons of movies and tv shows. it was fun. i think i've probably never ate as much junk (or food) in my life as i have this weekend. friday we had mcdonalds, and i ate the whole entire meal. then i continued snacking on gummy bears, starbursts, sundrop, and all kinds of junk. then yesterday we had hardees, which probably had more calories in one burger than in 13,000 bags of chips, and curly fries, then we had cheez-its, gummy bears, chocolate, m&ms, and all sorts of crap. it was pretty nice to sit on my butt though for the weekend. usually im out running around with friends, which is very very fun, but i needed a break. we actually did go somewhere though, we got some stuff from hobby lobby and whatnot, but that was only like 2 hours out of our 48 hours of laziness. now i am waiting on mom to make me a pizza. i need to eat healthier, i figured i'd spend the rest of the weekend eating nothing but junk since that's basically all taylor and i ate all week. so after today - i need to start eating fruits and veggies! i never eat anything green.. unless it's artificial, haha.

aside from my weekend - school was okay. i am working on a mixed media silkscreen project which is absolutely amazing. i am having a lot of fun with it. i hated it at first. the final project is so worth all the hard work though. we had to pick a "current event" and make symbols and stuff with it. i did mine over the laci peterson trial. the project itself looks really good so far, im really happy about it.

other than in art, schools been bleh. we have had to write so many essays in career english. they're easy to write, but she's not so "easy" on grading. it's pretty frustrating. only a month and a half left though - then off to cottey. thank goodness. no more stupid drama in this lame redneck highschool. i can't wait to get away from these idiots and drunks. i'm basically couting down the seconds!

well, that's enough for today. i haven't had much exciting since last time i blogged. other than idiots at school trying to start drama. i hate underclassmen. they're so immature and stupid. i don't understand how people can be so freaking DUMB. okay, well.. ciao!

i can't stop listening to rihanna's rude boy song. it has a good beat or something that just makes me feel better than  i have the past few days. i've listened to it like 20x since i got on the computer not too awful long ago. it's pretty entertaining, i suppose.

i was watching america's best dance crew earlier with my mom. there's a new episode tonight, im pretty excited about it. it doesn't come on until 9 though and its only 7:38, ugh. time goes by slow when you want it to hurry, and fast when you want it to last. poop!

i'm doing a lot better, i'm really proud of myself! i had a good day at school today. i had fun with my friends, and i even danced in my car when i was driving to and from school. i haven't done that in a while. it felt good to be semi-happy again. of course, my heart still is hurting a bit, but i'm trying my best to go on and not give into this sadness that's shadowing my world.

i really want to do something fun this weekend. i'm trying to get my dad to give me some money to get some shorts and t-shirts. i need some springy clothes. it's "supposed" to snow this weekend - but HOPEFULLY it doesn't. im sick of snow and i love this weather as it is. the sunshine, perfect temperatures. ah, i love spring and i love summer, and i am soooo entirely ready for cornerstone. it's going to be legit. especially since we'll be going more prepared. last year my tent flooded and everything i brought got totally soaked. it definintely wasn't water proof. so we had to drive to macomb to go to the laundry mat and dry everything - and then the entire place was totally muddy and i was driving back and my car slid into someone's tent! they came out and were like, "you almost ran over my head." my bad! i couldn't control it. if that tent weren't there my car would've went into the lake. that would've been brootal because a few months before cornerstone i was in a wreck (someone hit me from behind) and it totalled my car, so i was definintely glad i didn't lose my new one! how would insurance pay for that sucker?! i'd of been ticked, plus i would've been quite a ways from home and not had a way back! well, good thing that tent was there. satan was trying to ruin everyone's fun time, but GOD is awesome and regardless of satan's approaches, we still remain happy and joyful thanks to CHRIST!

you know, i REALLY hate when someone texts you. you ignore it. then they text you again. then you still don't answer and then they continue sending texts with question marks. that's SO annoying. it's like, "if i don't respond the first 100x then i probably don't want to talk to you" gosh, people are stupid sometimes.

oh yeah, if you have twitter - FOLLOW ME. @morgledorgle

okay, well i don't have much more to rant about in this blog since i am trying to get over my heartache, and avoiding all costs of talking about how numb i am, i am going to end it right......... HERE.

everything i blogged about last night has ended in my failing attempt to win back the person i love more than anything in this world. to fix things. i really can't say i understand what has causes this to happen - because i have failed to understand the purpose behind this entire situation, and the reason it has to be the way it is.

i hate when people are so in denial, that they say they didn't mean what they said - meaning that they said it and it had no meaning at all, even though it felt as if it did. even though it felt like they really did mean they loved you and they cared. they try to take back what they said after they've said it - and it doesn't work that way. i know he did love me, and i know he was "in love" with me - because after 2 years you can't just stop loving someone. you can't just stop feeling something for them. sure, we've had our downfalls and our up-points, but really, there's absolutely no reason things had to end like this. no reason at all. i did nothing wrong. i refuse to feel as if i did do something wrong, because i did everything i could to make him happy, and now i am all alone. and let me tell you, it hurts something fierce. i feel as if a. im going to die b. im going to vomit. c. i will never love again. d. i am alone for the rest of my life. e. im not myself.

i don't really know what else to say. i feel terrible. i feel lonely and miserable. i really feel like i am going to die. i don't want to eat. i can't sleep. honestly, i dont know how a bullet to the head can kill you - but something as painful and torturous as this just CANT. sometimes i wish it could, because then i wouldn't have to suffer. i wouldn't  have to watch him move on. watch him fall out of love with me. know that he's with someone else. know that he's in THEIR arms and not mine. i can't bare the thought of it, and it makes me physically sick. and my heart really is truly and 100% aching.

the thought of me moving on is even more disturbing than that of him loving another. i can't imagine my life with anyone else. we talked about getting married. we talked about everything. i gave him two years of my life. is that not good enough? i gave all i had to give, and i can't give anymore. part of me wants to continue fighting - but deep down i know this is the end, and there's no where left to go. there's no more battle, there's no more hope. i'm waving my flag, i surrender all. without him, my heart is broken.